The current rules…

There’s only weeks left until restrictions lift, so lets not fuck it up by going wild. You can read a more full risk assessment here.

Checking In

You can check in with the COVID-19 app by scanning the QR Code at the front door. If your phone isn’t up to that please put your name and number on a slip of paper and slip it in the privacy box.

Follow The One-Way System

The system is to stop congestion and to stop you coming into unnecessary contact. Obviously you can use a bit of common sense – you can go one room against the arrows if you can see there’s no-one in the way.

Ordering Drinks

It’s strictly table service until restrictions lift. We’ll be coming around regularly.


  • Order when you’ve got a bit of beer left – it takes a few minutes to get the drinks to you.
  • Order as a table even if you’re not paying together
  • Ask us about what’s on the bar – if we haven’t got your favourite on, we can recommend something similar!


  • Say “I haven’t finished this one yet”, pointing to your last mouthful of beer. Then, when we come back five minutes later, act impatient because you’ve been empty for four minutes thirty seconds.
  • Order one at a time in a chain reaction, making us do six runs for one table. If you say “sorry, we must be really annoying”, that actually makes it worse, because you’re forcing us to be nice about it when we’re trying to hide how annoyed we are.

Respect Social Distancing

Please stay with the group you came with. Come on, we can do this half-arsed pub routine for just a little longer. We’ll all be sprawled across each others’ tables soon enough.

  • Don’t move tables and chairs around. Of course you can chat from table to table, but don’t shout across the room about your interesting new medical conditions.
  • Don’t go from table to table. Even if you’ve got a dog, and the only reason you got it was to break the ice with strangers so you could tell people your opinions about cryptocurrency.
  • No vaping indoors. Nothing is more sinister than actually watching someone’s lungs floating towards you, especially if you’re such a big dumb vape-baby that it stinks of candy floss.

Wear A Mask When You’re Not At Your Table

If you don’t, we will run around the pub after you saying “excuse me please can you just pop on your mask”, because that’s how we like to live our lives.

If you don’t have your own face mask, we’ll sell you one for a £1 donation to Stonebridge City Farm. Charity, see? Now you can’t complain.

If you tell us you’re exempt we’ll take your word for it – but if you then go out for fag every five minutes we’re going to talk amongst ourselves at your self-diagnosed COPD.

Don’t Roll Around On The Floor With Other People’s Dogs

This ones for me, really. If you see me rolling around on the floor with a dog, please tell me off.

Finally: Don’t Be An Arsehole

Don’t shout. Don’t knock on the plastic screens around the bar and say “who do you think you are, Magneto?”. Don’t look at the one-way signs on the floor and say “I’m not a bloody Big Trak”. And don’t say “what is a Big Trak, I’m 24 years old, can you get some new cultural references”.

Oh, and if you’re one of our many beloved arsehole regulars, then we’re not talking about you. We mean all the other arseholes.